oh
and I booked a flight to Salt Lake City to hang out with Jesse
and PLAY IN THE SNOW!!!!!

Fuckin YAY!

Hmmm when Bobby is happy- i am happy.


Today- Mandie needs to get an oil change AND a transmission flush. I don' t know how long that takes
I need to return a coat to Macy's because I shrunk considerably and it just looks ridiculous on me. That's an extra $45 I could use toward gas
for my ROAD TRIP (finally) to the bay area this weekend. My sister and I are driving up tomorrow morning. I might be picking Andrea up in Moro Bay to have her join me so that Steve can hang out with his mom and I can have a play mate up north.
My siblings are boring and bi polar.

ok
1- oil change/transmission flush
2- Macys
3- put away my laundry and pack up for San Fran
4- call Jen for girl date. Mani Pedis girl day.
5- Get to the gym fatty fatty

Will go back and do the other days later, but for now:

Day 24 → Whatever tickles your fancy



Mickey and Cookie wish you a merry Christmas and happy holidays!

( More seasonal cats )

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
Went to Burning Man
and had 10+ orgasms in one session (no, not by myself asshole) Good Golly!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
this year? I don't remember. I actually accomplished a resolution from 2007- and that was to lose 17.5 pounds...and I did that and more.
My band finally recorded


3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yeah. More on this in a few days :/

4. Did anyone close to you die?
figuratively, yes. Physically, no.

5. What countries did you visit?
I think Black Rock City at Burning Man counts

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
a NEW place to live


7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The Last Bluebeat show- Oct 23rd.
Christmas Eve - because Bobby and I had a super sweet day and it was the best christmas with a boyfriend ever
The entire week of Camp Jam and The entire week of Burning Man...there is no need for explanation. Those are the weeks that made this summer the best summer of my life. Bobby Brown made it the best summer, too.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
losing 20+ pounds
and not getting pregnant- woo! another year of being baby free.


9.What was your biggest failure?
dumping Justin the way I did- not proud.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I am sometimes love sick

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my red ipod nano to play sweet tunes in my car everywhere I gos.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Andrea. All the bullshit with Dan- being pregnant, then engaged- then losing everything...her voice recital, the death of one of her voice students and all the other bullshit with her living situation. She's been through hell and so many times she's wanted to drop everything and disappear or off herself- but she wont....because he's got me and I wont let her.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled?
More Andrea

14. Where did most of your money go?
probably gas and delicious food

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
bobby brown cuddle time
and road trips

16. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
"What a wonderful world this would be"- Sam Cooke
because of the nightly dance offs in the 20 dolla mansion during Camp Jam week

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

- i. happier or sadder?
much happier in more ways than one

- ii. richer or poorer?
way richer...in more ways than one

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
being better to Justin when I had the chance

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
procrastinating

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
well- we just did presents and I've had a overload of text messages from friends this morning :)
and I even got Flowers from Jesse with a note that says "thank you for our friendship"- so happy
later today...Andrea and Steve are coming over for dinner. I want to see if Robert wants to go adventure somewhere since he's up here, too.
Maybe even just a walk someplace. Let's go

21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with?
Out of the entire year- I've spent more time on the phone with Justin than anyone else....and I haven't even talked to him since June?


22. What LJ users did you meet for the first time?
none this year- I met Tara via LJ, though :)

23. How many one-night stands?
zero. Only 2 boys in 2009. Boyfriend status.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The Office, House, and South Park

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yes. She's a dumb blond girl named Shelby and I reserve to deck her if I'm ever in the same room with her. End of story.

26. What was the best book you read?
The Toa of Pooh and the Te of Piglet (also a gift from the great Jesse Stewart)
No...there's nothing going on with me and Jesse. We just keep in touch daily because I've hired him to do my web site...and he comes to me for girl advice. We're friendsies

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I think that would be the organ setting I fiddled with and saved on my Nord Electro II.

28. What did you want and get?
independence....well, I've always had it. I just never want to have to fight for it again.

29. What did you want and not get?
more honesty

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 24 and Andrea took me to Seven Grand- it's a fancy bar in downtown LA. There was live jazz- yes, the Axis trio was playing. I didn't pay for a drink, I got hit on left and right, the cute bass player sang me happy birthday in a drunken fury and missed my lips and kissed the part between my nose and my mouth. (I didn't want to kiss him, but it was too funny for me to walk away). Crack Pancakes at the Pantry in downtown. All n all- a wonderful birthday for me.  I've never had anyone take me out and take care of me like that for my birthday before.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Bobby Brown

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
"how-do-i-feel-when-i-wake-up" and use the items in my closet to reflect that. Some days I just want to wear my cheetah print booty shorts with tights and a funky t shirt. Some days I want to dress like a hot secretary....every day is different. I look cute and I don't give  a fuck.

34. What kept you sane?
Waking up to Banana and Philip taking me out when I was freaking out. Phil is a good friend.

34 b. What kept you from losing even more marbles?
Having the ability to talk to Robert when things got shitty.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Zooey Deschanel

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Obama, of course

37. Who did you miss?
see 32

38. Who was the best new person you met?
I met 3 rad people this year.  Andrew, Pauly, and Tyler

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009:
A few things
1. people is people is people is people
2. know and realize who your TRUE friends are  and stick by their side
3. Family doesn't always have to mean blood relatives
4. Music is a good healer
5. Don't be scared of the things that can't kill you


40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Children wake up- hold your mistake up"

What a shitty week. Only thing I did today was argue with someone, I've never met before, on the internet because apparently he's in charge of telling me what I'm not allowed to whinge about, ie. christmas. Ehh, whatever. I never liked his art anyway.

Christmas dinner was stilted and awkward because dad still hates me for being a loser. We just ignore each other now. Still, guess it went better than last year's christmas when we did nothing cause mum was crying in her room for two days because dad was a tactless idiot to her.

Somebody just shoot me in the head please. Make it quick and painless. Do it for the environment. I have a huge carbon footprint.
Can't even remember the last time I left the house. I seriously can't. Probly shouldn't try to remember, if it's really been months that'll probly just depress me further.

I should probly just delete this lj. It's nothing but this shit all the time and I don't see anything superfunawesome happening in my life anytime soon.

blah

What a horrible, miserable christmas. I hate my life.

hmmm
possibly working as a fit model in the new year, too

I wanna be the surgeon that cuts you open
and fixes all of life's mistakes
I wanna be the house that you were raised in
the only place that you feel safe
I wanna be your shower in the morning
that wakes you up and makes you clean
I know I'm just the weather against your window
as you sleep through a winter's dream
Something's churning the earth
Something's stirring the sky.
Every color at once in a column of light.
Bacteria breeds on a microscope slide
The worm in my heart is the apple of your eye.
Don't adore what is impossible
We have built this ship in a wine bottle
If we knew how it worked we would have to grow old.
Something's eating at you,
wakes you up in the night
If you're digging the past
who knows what you'll find
Read the newspaper print off the microfiche slide
and you're holding your breath
for the rest of your life
Don't you love what is intangible
I have built this ship in a wine bottle
but if you knew who I was
you would never grow old

My all time favourite is an animation of The Little Match Girl by Hans Christian Andersen.

I remember watching this when I was still in primary school and not really remembering much of the story but instead remembering how I felt really, really, really sad after watching it. Up until only recently, I wasn't even sure if I watched it. All I could say was "it was a sad christmas story about a girl and her matches... I think she dies in the end!" and thats why I was sad.

But its the story of a poor girl who's on the streets at New years eve trying to sell matches but no one would buy them. She didn't want to go home because she didn't sell any of them and her father would beat her. So she sits in a little corner and to keep warm she lights one of her matches to keep warm. The first match she sees the vision of a beautiful christmas tree, the second match brings a vision of a Christmas feast but she can't eat it. She sees a falling star and it reminds her of her deceased grandma who told her that when a star falls it means someone in the world has died and has gone to heaven. The girl strikes a third match and it brings the vision of her grandma who was the only one to love her. She kept striking the matches to keep the vision of her grandma. She knew her matches would eventually run out so she asks her grandma to take her with her. And her grandma does. The match dies out and so does the girl.
The next morning people find the little girl dead in a corner with her spent matchsticks, but the girl has rosy cheeks and a smile on her face. They all say how unfortunate it was that she died on the eve of the new year and she must have been cold and lonely, but they didn't know of the visions and that she had gone with her grandma and is no longer cold and lonely.


....


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWW


:(


But anyway, I love ABC kids christmas programming because they have all the christmas story animations and Christmas episodes of kids shows.

i stayed over at Robert's last night
and sometimes something as simple as sleeping over
and being spoons in the morning is all i really need to be happy
pff....but you know we totally got it on, too. Imma be on cloud 9 all day. *sigh*

so
in the last 2 days I've taken in a whole shit ton of awesome information
and terribly shitty information
here are some words to describe what I've been going through. In no particular order.
Anger, sadness, jealousy, bliss, excitement, love!, hate, uncertainty, absolution, embarrassment, accomplishment, disappointment, joy, wrath, confusion, concern, dominance, submission, will, strength.

needless to say I am all over the place.
But no one would know it otherwise. How can I handle my shit so well? (compared to others)
I've been surrounding myself with friends.
And booze.
We all went out to Steamers last night to catch Gerald Clayton- who we also went to high school with.
Paul Barbour came out to visit me and we had a wild high school reminiscent  fun time rocking out to the Beatles in the car- making up our own words. And Paul adores me so he made me feel like a million bucks without being a creeper.

Saturday night was wonderful. Sunday during the day got really bad. I don't ever want to be in that situation again. I don't ever want to feel the things I was feeling ever again. We sat in my car for nearly 2 hours just talking/moping/staring at each other..... Watching him go back and forth in his brain. I kept looking at the door handle, just waiting for him to grab it and go or grab my face and kiss me. One or the other- just make up your mind.
Preparing myself for him to walk away. So after a lot of talk, he asked me to get out of the car and hug him because we're staying together.
I was so numb that whole afternoon. I didn't want to do anything or say anything that would influence his decision.
He would send me texts saying he was thinking of me. And...who makes out while they're breaking up? We did. Which just makes me think that it's not time to break up yet. If I'm missing him and he's missing me and we're telling each other and nothing seems to be changing besides our "status" on facebook then what the hell are we doing? Who are we kidding? 


So beside my own relationship troubles- there is so much going on in my little world.

I just got a call from the real estate lady about the studio that I was just about to move into. The land lord chaged her terms from month-to-month   to a min of 6 month lease terms...which I can't really get myself into if I'm looking for a house. I might need to move out by April (if I want to score the tax credit bullshit at least). So Anita advised me that it may not be a good idea- even though this studio was too good to be true. It may not be best for me to move in because of the lady that owns the front house may be difficult to live with....and I don't need a mother. So I'm bummed and looking for a place to live because  I need to get out. There's bad energy in my house. I gotta get out.
There is one thing I can't talk about and I am one of very few that has the burden of knowing this secret. This situation is conjuring up millions of questions and concerns in my brain. I'll be able to talk about it in a few days.

And I have to find time to get a TB test and make sure my text books are being ordered for my students by January 12
and I want to get up to San Francisco. I've never wanted Christmas to come and go so badly. Just give me the New Year- please.
There is SO MUCH that is just about to happen. Blaaahh
Start over time....for everything.
New place to live. New extra job. New voice student! New big news. New plans and adventures.
New chance for my relationship to be new again.
I told him we would need to celebrate new years when it hits 2010 in another country because he will be at work over new years at night. :(
I never told anyone- but in early January this year, I was driving by his apartment on my way to the pink house and I called him
and he answered
and I said "come out! come out!"
and he did
and I ran to him
and he picked me up
and spun me around
and kissed me
and he said "that was for new years"
and I said "that's the only reason I called you out"
And then I left.
Awesome.

swamp_god came by the other day to pick up his new friends...



Gonna miss those two.

Little creeped out that this is the second option....

O by *artisjustfrozenmusic on deviantART



O - Detail by *artisjustfrozenmusic on <ahref="http://www.deviantart.com">deviant</a>ART

I did this one in a couple of hours. It ... didn't quite work out how I had expected, but I'm still really happy with it. What do you think?

I don't ever want to have to go through this again
not like this
so shitty

 Wow! I've posted my paintings on deviantart, and never have I recieved such a WAVE of favourites. It was freaking horrifying! And Amazing! Remember, they are still for sale, if you're interested please let me know. Here if a photo of the paintings in their frames.  artisjustfrozenmusic.deviantart.com/art/Good-For-Your-Sole-FRAMED-147214502